Oh, hi

Many varied things have held me back from blogging of late. Not least of which is the fact that as of July and the onset of my third year of medical school, my world has turned upside down and inside out. Sometimes very literally.

I now routinely place my finger into the anus of patients.  I have cracked ribs and mushed viscera in an effort to save my patient's life.  I have realized that more often than not, I'm paying $70,000 to perform the tasks of a glorified secretary. All of this in exchange for the promise of a career I've never been entirely sure I want.

The past few months have been surreal. From finishing my time in the classroom in April to taking The Boards in May to entering the hospital every single day as if I belong there... it's been a whirlwind.  I'm trying to figure out how to process it all.

It's been a long time since I've been engulfed in something completely and wholly unfamiliar. Nineteen years in a classroom will do that to you. But I'm experiencing something unique and, fine, I'll just say it: precious, and I think it warrants documentation. If for no one else but my future self.

My future, God help us all, physician self.

One of the things I'm learning is how quickly and abruptly one has to desensitize and compartmentalize in order to handle the day to day dealings of life and death.  I'm scared of becoming a robot.  Or worse, a Republican.

I'm scared that if I don't remind myself of who I was when I started all this that I'll lose sight of the trepidation and awe medicine usually deserves. We're dealing with human lives. There are people attached to these lab values and diagnoses.

Right now I think I'm closer to being a patient than a doctor and I'm hoping that keeping a log of the transformation from one to the other will enable a coexistance of both rather than a dissolution or sacrifice of the other.

I've been cautious in approaching the interweb with all of this beacuse oftentimes I want to come home and CAPS LOCK SENTENCES ON HOW ANNOYING THIS PATIENT WAS or HOW ANGRY THIS ATTENDING MADE ME or WHY ON EARTH DID I EVER THINK THIS WHOLE THING WAS A GOOD IDEA FOR CRYING OUT EFFING LOUD. Also, HIPPA. Also, my own privacy. Also, my free time should probably be geared towards oh I don't know, learning the practice of medicine.

So... we'll see. I'm here now. I've missed this.