Black Friday: Midwestern Style

I can't even begin to fathom what goes through the minds of people who decide bombarding stores at 4am to battle like-minded crazies for electronics and toys at low low prices is a good idea. I understand even less the people who PITCH A TENT outside their local Best Buy at 8pm on Thanksgiving night. I mean, c'mon. Ride the turkey coma folks. Let it wrap you in thankful, thankful bliss as you watch all the bitchin' family movies on prime time TV (e.g. The Princess Diaries marathon). No need to ruin the postprandial nirvana that only comes once a year.

I awoke this morning to the newscaster carrying on about "Black Friday," which I swear is a term made up just this past week, and couldn't believe that before I de-snuggled myself from my bed there were already people who were done with all their holiday shopping. Freaks. Misers. Lucky Jerks.

I arrived at the breakfast table to find my family perusing the sale circulars that came with the morning paper. The BLACK! FRIDAY! sales circulars.

True, I really couldn't believe some of the deals that were visually assaulting me: JCPenney's ladies leather jackets formerly $299.99, now a paltry $49.99! Kohl's hawking 4.0 ct diamante tennis bracelets, buy one get six FREE! Wal-Mart passing out bottled tears of the baby Jesus to the first 100 customers!

But I think the most unbelievable items were from the local retailers... my oh my, we're certainly not in Manhattan anymore:

Forget the slutty Bratz doll, this Christmas little Sally is pining for her very own kicky pink John Deere boots.



Perhaps you would like to celebrate the season of good will towards men with a shiny new shotgun? (Does it concern anyone else that this rifle is sold all wrapped in plastic? Kind of like a new CD player or an ink cartridge?)



(While we're on the topic of concerning... do you really want to buy your cross bow from a company advertising themselves proficient in Monkey Business? Pretty sure I don't want anyone going bananas when it comes to a PIECE OF WEAPONRY.)



But back to the hot deals for gift giving this season. For that sports fan in your life, how about a nice marinade?



Now, I did grow up here. I know what that thing is actually for. But doesn't it just seem like... I don't know, a Sportsman's Marinade Kit is all about making sure your racquet is nice and juicy or tenderizing that basketball?

So we've got the sporty spices in your life covered, but how about baby? Well, look no further. I'm sure every parent would LOVE for their child to be decked out in this little number:



I mean, who WOULDN'T want their child to be as unobtrusive as possible when out and about in the forest. Especially if you're, I don't know, hunting. Better make sure baby is incognito so as not to spook the deer. We wouldn't want to LOSE THE INFANT or anything. I'm sure unexplained movement in the underbrush always turns out well.

One item did manage to legitimately catch my eye...



I don't know what an ice cream ball is, but I bet it'd make for a very Merry Christmas.