Can you smell that smell?

Dear Neighbors,

I sure hope whatever the hell it is you cook that makes our apartment reek like rancid ass tastes better than it smells.

Or, alternatively...

Dear Landlord,

I would like to request a maintenance investigation of a shared air duct wherein I'm very nearly sure some small creature who dunked itself in fatty diarrhea, rolled in the McDonalds' refuse around the corner and rubbed the toenail clippings of a seventy-three year old man with fungal issues all over itself, has crawled into our apartment vent to consume a snack of sauerkraut before keeling over and rotting for dead.

Love, Pants